[High-ranking US official] Visits Iraqi Mass Grave
We see this one at least every two weeks. Yes, we know Saddam was bad. And they know Saddam was bad. But they're not stupid and neither are we. "Bad" was not the reason we went, and besides it was only six months ago, so we actually still remember. Find some nasty weapons and that will be news. Turn the lights on in Baghdad for more than 15 minutes and that will be news. Saddam Hussein was like, really, uh, bad. Not news, OK?

U.S. Soldier Killed in Baghdad
We see this headline every day. If you don't have the decency to name him, then save the ink for something you really care about. Like the disturbing trend of overweight pets. Seriously. One in four American pets is overweight, and the trend is increasing. This from the New York Times , no less.

New Flaw Found in Microsoft Software
Another frequent item, most recently seen in BusinessWeek . Did the tech editor's 9-year-old niece get her first assignment? Hey BusinessWeek, here's a free tip: It's not news if it happens every...single...week. Kill this item or make it a permanent element of the cover art.

Technology Slowly Adopted by Elderly
For this we need fifty thousand professionally trained reporters and a global news network? Of course, maybe I'm off base here. I mean, isn't it just possible that a significant percentage of the US population expects seething mobs of Metamucil-powered shuffle-board addicts in smeared lipstick and fuzzy slippers to be at this very moment overwhelming the cowering pimple-faced sales associates at Circuit Cities across the country with gargled cries of "I want my HDTV!" and tearing 28x DVD-burners off the shelves faster than our nation's exhausted army of truckers can haul in replacements? For those people, this story comes as welcome relief. But the rest of us need more hard-hitting investigative journalism on the recently minted Al Qaeda plot to murder Americans with the exploding fragments of our morbidly obese pets. That, folks, is news!