People say I'm a nice enough guy, and they may be right. And I'm not a loon. By that I mean I'm not anti-tax for longer than it takes me to mail in my return, I don't want to "privatize the sidewalk" as PJ O'Rourke so archly put it, and I don't think a power-obsessed showman in search of the perfect sound bite for defending his sterling record of groping all boobies within range makes a good candidate for governor of California simply because he's Republican and might win. I think who people want to love, screw and even divorce (uh, marry) should be up to them. I think forcing people to have kids they don't want is a Bad Idea. I think sending millions to jail for puffing a few bowls of the green stuff is, at best, deeply misguided. I listen to NPR. So I should be bivouacked pretty comfortably in the liberal camp. But I'm not.

I won't carry that flag, or rally around it or even salute it. Is it because I think anyone who affixes a really big label to himself is acting stupid, lazy or both? Yes and no. (Yes, that is what I think, and no, that's not the reason).

The reason is this: by and large, the liberal camp has its head so far up its ass that the reveille trumpet sounds like a kazoo.

Lest you think me unkind, allow me to be constructive as well as critical. I've put together a few pointers for the kids in the Birkenstocks using their tent poles to burn marshmallows while their tents drape down around their bongs and the mosquitoes eat them alive despite a generous application of cruelty-free hemp-infused organic lemon grass oil.

1. How you feel about Starbucks is not a contribution to the Great Public Debate.

If you don't have something interesting to say, keep your mouth shut and at least try to look like you're thinking about something important. Think then talk. This will do a lot for your image among the mostly moderate, mostly decent middle class voters and taxpayers that all but the most violent political movements depend on.

2. Not all issues that other liberals care about must be your issues.

There are many evils in the world, and it would be great if each of them had some energetic group dedicated to its cure. But 1,000 women and children walking down Pennsylvania Avenue chanting “Day-care for working mothers!” will make a much bigger impression than a million people yelling “Power to the people”, “Equal pay for equal work”, “There's no excuse for domestic violence”, “Human rights are not special rights”, “Meat is murder”, “Stop the World Bank”, “Save the manatees” and “Skateboarding is not a crime.”

3. Internal dissent is a good thing.

Conflict is a good thing. Argument is a good thing. If everyone agrees, you have a bumper sticker, not a policy. Your adversaries will not meekly agree with you, so if you want to win the battle, train like you mean it. Argue over policies. Argue over goals. Don't ostracize everyone who dares to challenge your assumptions.

4. Stop denying that you control the media.

Yes, those in the know realize that the media is owned by Satan and franchised out to Rupert Murdoch, the Trilateral Commission and the Elders of Zion. But remember your Sun Tzu. What? You drink unfiltered sake, sleep on a futon and buy tofu by the case but you've never read Sun Tzu? Well here are the Cliff's Notes: the appearance of strength can be strength. The battle is won in the mind. And nobody likes a whiner. Admit that you control the media and more people who think like you will want to work in the media. Everyone wants to be on a winning team.

5. Not every good idea is an inalienable right hidden somewhere in the Constitution.

This is equivalent to the position that the founding fathers thought of everything and that for something to be good policy it must flow directly from their authority. “ Jefferson wrote it, I believe it, that settles it.” It's hard to imagine a more fundamentalist political philosophy. Yes, the battle for judicial interpretation of the Constitution is extremely important. Don't spread your forces across an indefensible plain by talking about “the right to childcare” or “the right to cheaper prescription drugs.” Policy should be about benefits , not authority .

6. Embrace the methods of successful organizations (i.e. companies).

Political campaigns are won through organization, funding, and clear, relevant messages. In other words finance and marketing. Embrace effective finance and marketing, and see your fortunes change. View them as the methods of the enemy, a betrayal of your very soul, and keep floundering around with a majority of registered voters and a minority of cast votes. Finance and marketing are powerful tools, so learn to use them. A quick comparison of “votecamejo.org” with “joinarnold.com” should make this point clearly enough.

7. Vote for the largest party you can stomach. Then influence that party.

You don't want to hear this, and I don't much like saying it, but face the simplest of facts. In the US we do not have proportional representation. We have a “first past the post” system. In 1996, Ross Perot siphoned off enough Republican votes to let an unknown governor from a backward Southern state move from a trailer park into the White House. In 2000, Ralph Nader siphoned off enough Democratic votes to put the outcome of the election in the hands of the Supreme Court, which let an unknown governor from a backward Southern state move from a cattle ranch into the White House. Cry and moan about being robbed, but it should have never been that close in the first place.

All well and good, but don't I have anything encouraging to say about the left? You bet.

1. You're doing a good job on the environmental stuff.

You sound histrionic a lot of the time, and I think many of your arguments are suspect. Like using inflated deforestation figures to calculate the extinction of species no one's ever even seen. This dishonesty disturbs me. But by and large the results have been good, and even the goons using the clean air you fought for to bluster on about how much the elk are going to love their new oil derricks ought to spare a breath to say "thank you."

2. You make way better brownies.